I have always been weak, fragile and sickly as child.
Being the youngest of three siblings, I enjoyed the attention I was getting from mom, especially when I was unwell. She'd cook me my favorite food and entertain my every whim and fancy.
Not to mention I could stay home instead of having to attend school. Not that I was a bad student or did not enjoy school, but being pampered at home while watching TV all day was by far the more exciting alternative.
I could not count how many times in a year I had to pay the family physician a visit. And half of those visits were for problems so miniscule or even made up that I'm almost too embarrassed to admit today.
Thinking back as I write these words, I finally realized the amount of pain and worry I had put my mom through all those years. And truly, it didn't end there, she continued to worry about me well into my adulthood.
Although my health was generally fine during the times I was in college, it started to dwindle again several years after I started working.
I was living alone in the city. My career wasn't going so great, and I've already had several failed relationships by this time.
It was a dark and confusing time for me. I was directionless. And it was during this time that I had my first taste of the dark night of the soul. I remember having to call in sick from work once every couple of weeks and this had in turn, affected my performance at work and made matters worse as far as career went.
For many years that followed, I suffered from the regular bouts of sickness and disease. Mom continued to worry about me, even though by now, I was well into my 40s.
Triggered much?
It had always annoyed me when she called to express her concerns. She'd nag about how I should take better care of myself and even reminded me of how I've always been sickly and unenergetic as a child. At which point, I would accuse her of being negative and that that kind of attitude wasn't helping my condition.
Suffice to say that the conversation usually ends with mom feeling frustrated, and me feeling totally irritated and angry.
Now, being someone who deals a lot with her own shadows and that of others, you'd think I would spot a trigger when I see one. But what can I say? Self denial?
Could this be A Shadow?
Those who aren't familiar with the concept of shadow, here's a brief explanation.
The shadow is a concept made popular by Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung (1875-1861) that describes the aspects of the personality which we (conscious or unconsciously) reject, repress or identify with (for various reasons).
Simply put, our shadow is our dark side or our inner demons which we try to hide from others and sadly, from ourselves.
We all have them, trust me. In fact, many of us have dozens of them. I'll give you a common example.
A boy who was punished for crying and showing vulnerability by authoritarian parents would eventually learn to hide (read: repress) these feelings. The boy would then grow up lacking the softer side of the human emotions, such as empathy and understanding.
This disowned, repressed and rejected aspect of him is what is known as the shadow.
But these disowned parts within us can never be discarded. In fact, they stay tucked away in the depth of our psyche, lurking in the dark, out of our conscious awareness, until the moment we decide to face them.
And surely, nothing good can come out of something that's been left too long in the dark.
The monster lurks in the dark
These shadows within us can operate without our conscious control. Like a monster that lurks in the dark, when a shadow aspect is triggered, you'd see yourself reacting without, or with very limited self control. That's when you know that a shadow had played out.
Perhaps we've all experienced having lashed out at a friend and then apologizing later by saying, "I'm sorry! I don't know what's gotten over me. I'm usually not like that". Or after throwing a fit at a clumsy waiter, we end up deeply regretting our action later, so much that we're kicking ourselves for the rest of the day.
Sound familiar?
Well that is the face of the shadow monster pouncing on the very same thing that reminds it of itself.
Enough about shadow for now.
Back to my story
I recently stumbled on a shadow I never knew existed.
It happened during a routine morning meditation - something I started doing religiously after suffering from a chronic cough that lasted over a month.
I picked a guided mediation where the meditator is asked to identify a belief they have that they'd want changed, and to recall the memories and emotions associated with that belief.
Because I was ill at the time, and was starting to feel sick (no pun intended) of being ill, I decided to go with the limiting belief that I was a sickly person.
Little did I know that a simple guided meditation that I sat down to do that day was going to give me one of the biggest a-ha moments of my life.
During the meditation, pieces of my past came rushing at me. In an instant, I realized what I was meant to discover that day. I sat quietly as my subconscious played a mind movie as it brings to the surface memories as well as hidden beliefs I never knew existed.
What I discovered that morning could potentially undo years of damage I was doing to my health.
My shadow was making me sick
For the first time in my life, I discovered that I had a shadow belief that was making me sick. And much like many of the beliefs we hold, this one didn't originate from me.
All those times when I was sick as a little child, I remember mom would repeatedly say how weak, unenergetic and fragile I was.
This eventually got imprinted in my psyche and became my belief.
Looking back, I realized that I had fallen sick every time I felt lost, unhappy with my life or when things were not going my way - in my career, or relationships.
I realized that falling sick was my body's own defense mechanism. It was my secret way of gaining attention, love and affection from others.
This obviously came from the imprints I had from an early age, where mom's tender nurturing when I was sick made me feel loved, wanted, and cared for. So subconsciously, every time I felt unworthy and in need of love, I'd fall ill.
But perhaps what's worse, is that I realized I had used this to my advantage (Unknowingly of course, so don't judge me!) - falling sick to get sympathy from others and getting away with things.
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Jung
You can't begin to work on an issue until you know that there is one to work on. But how does one begin to do this?
There are many approaches to integrating the shadow. Jung’s Active Imagination, Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems, Gestalt's Two Chair Methods are all popular amongst therapists.
The methods the therapist chooses greatly depend on the client's readiness and openness to work on his or her shadow, as well as the nature of shadow that they are confronting.
I find that the more I do shadow work on myself, the least amount of effort is required for the subsequent ones.
These days I no longer need to sit with my shadow for an extensive period, pen and paper in hand, throwing questions at myself and answering them like I'm two separate individuals. Instead, once I am aware that there is a shadow that needs integrating, I simply sit quietly reflecting on it, recalling where it may have originated from, and lovingly set it free. I suppose this comes with practice, a lot of self awareness and meditations.
However, for those who are just learning about this concept of shadow and shadow working, after you have done your research in understanding more about them, start to cultivate self awareness.
Your triggers are your guides. - Unknown
Catch yourself when something or someone triggers you. Ask yourself why are you behaving or feeling this way.
For instance:
- A Facebook friend constantly posts pictures of her latest outfits/ vacations/ gifts from her husband and this annoys you. Why do you find it annoying?
- You flip every time someone pokes fun at you, or playfully teases you. Why do you get angry when they are just friendly gestures? Why must you take it seriously?
- You simply can't stand vegans/ vegetarians, Or as a vegan, you despises non-vegans. Why?
These are red flags that indicate there could be shadows hidden within. Start exploring.
A therapist or psychiatrist will be able to help you uncover the hidden aspects of yourself, or you can choose to learn a few methods and apply them yourself. There are many websites that offer guidelines on how to do this.
As for me, it has been such a relief to know that my general state of wellbeing was something that I could transform by changing my belief.
I have since began consciously firing and wiring new thoughts in order to cultivate the new belief that I am healthy, vibrant and full of energy. I practice affirmations and visualization, along with the elevated emotions of wholeness, gratitude and joy. On top of that, knowing now that I am NOT weak, and most importantly realizing that I am in control of my health (genes), I have started living a healthier lifestyle!
I thank you for reading. Much blessings and love.
Comments