Many young parents would utter at some point in their early parenting career that nothing could have prepared them to face the challenges that come with caring for a newborn baby. Sure, I have moaned the same thing many times, as a young mother 17 years ago, and then repeatedly over the last few years as I started to educate myself on the importance of parents' roles in raising healthy children.
Healthy children?
The first image that comes into our head is perhaps one of happy, laughing children playing in the fields, out under the blue skies. Vibrant and carefree. But what do we mean by healthy children? That they have robust immune system to fend off the seasonal flu viruses, or that they have strong bones and healthy teeth?
How many of us parents thought to ourselves: I hope my children turn out to be strong, independent and successful adults, someone who make their parents proud. How many of us parents actually thought to ourselves: I hope as a parent, I am providing my children all the tools they need in order to find joy and to thrive in life - tools not just for success in the traditional sense, but for resilience in the face of challenges, empathy in their relationships, and a deep sense of fulfillment in whatever path they choose to pursue.
And how many of us parents actually realized that we are the foundation upon which our children will grow? That we are, in fact, the mold, shaping their growth and development, while they are the clay, molded by our guidance and influence, by our actions or inactions, our values and beliefs, our words an our affections. Healthy children.
No, I'm not just talking about a child's healthy teeth and strong bones or how efficient their immune systems are at deterring measles and the common cold.
I'm talking about the ego of the child - their personalities, characteristics, mindset and attitude; their values and beliefs, their grit or lack of, their self-esteem and self-worth.
How many of us parents think of these things let alone realize that we are the ones responsible, to a large extent, in shaping every aspect of our children's ego. Children from birth absorb information like sponges. Explicit and implicit. What's worse is that they take everything literally and personally. How many times have we uttered these words that seemed harmless to us:
"Please, not right now. I'm busy."
"It's just a small thing, don't worry about it."
"Come on, don't be sad. There's nothing to cry about."
"See how hard your brother studies."
"Maybe you should try something else. Singing isn't really our thing." What happens when a child who was hit by a sibling was told that her brother or sister was just playing, don't take it seriously?
Or how many times have we promised our children a day at the park or to attend their sports day at school but broke these promises? Or how many times has a father who has left home after a divorce promised to pick them up for a movie or ball game but never did?
For each of these scenarios, a child is hurt. They may feel they aren't worth your time; they are taught that their feelings don't matter; they may feel limited and don't measure up, unwanted, unloved, and unlovable; they may feel abandoned, alone and thus, they may feel worthless. This burden weighs heavily on a helpless child who looks to adults for love, well-being, and validation of their worth.
Human children rely on adults for survival, and it's widely understood that survival is the foremost priority for both animals and humans—it's ingrained in our instincts from birth. Even a two-day-old baby is aware of this instinctual need for survival.
But what happens when a child senses that their caretakers are not pleased with them? What if they feel that their survivability is threatened?
Children are remarkable at adapting to their environment. If their environment is volatile, they may learn to remain still, thinking, "If they don't see or hear me, they can't be angry at me."
What if mom or dad are always upset or angry, sad or demanding? They may learn to be mommy's and daddy's little helper or little princesses and princes; they'll become whatever is required of them to ensure their parents are appeased. How many times were we as children told to sing and play the piano for guests from out of town?
Many of them don't enjoy it. I certainly didn't. But they knew from early on that they didn't have a voice, especially when growing up in a dysfunctional home. Every moment feels like they are walking on eggshells. Thus, they develop hypersensitivity towards others' facial reactions and emotions, constantly scanning for signs of danger.
Their adeptness at these skills will determine how safe they will be. Failing to read the signs correctly could result in dire consequences; being loud when dad is already angry might lead to a beating. So, their ability to navigate their parents' emotions becomes a matter of physical safety, not just emotional well-being.
Admit it, how many times did we sense that all hell is about to break loose just by the way dad got out of his car upon returning home from work? How many times did we sense that mom was depressed again after dad came home drunk last night, despite her efforts to maintain a cheerful demeanor? Didn't we suddenly behave like good little girls and boys to avoid upsetting her even more? But alas, in their effort to read mom and dad's emotions, they have completely lost touch with their own. After all, their feelings don't matter, remember? They're just kids—what do they know about feelings?
So now you might say, "Well, that's not completely true. My kid/nephew/cousin was a little monster, not this little angel you're referring to."
To that, I ask you this: Did throwing a fit at the grocery store or in front of a guest, or damaging property get them attention? Did mom yell and dad spank? Some children crave connection and attention so badly that they will settle for whatever form they can get.
Research in developmental psychology suggests that children's behavior is often driven by their need for attachment and connection with their caregivers. When children feel insecurely attached or perceive a lack of attention or responsiveness from their caregivers, they may resort to attention-seeking behaviors as a way to fulfill their need for connection. But what do we call this phenomenon? We call that Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). We prescribe them medications. Instead of learning to understand, and fulfilling their God-given right for genuine connection, acceptance and affection.
Right.
The Lost Child
Back to our child who has lost touch with his own inner landscape...
This is the lost child. This is a child who has forfeited the opportunity to discover their true self, to understand their own essence. They may never develop their own unique personality and characteristics, nor reach their full potential. Instead, they become trapped in various roles, each chosen to secure their safety.
Whether it's donning the mask of a clown, playing the role of the funny one or the helper, clinging to the identity of mommy's boy or daddy's princess, or taking on the burden of caring for a troubled parent, this child is stifled in their growth. They may be labeled as the fragile/ sensitive one, or pressured to excel as an athlete or future star. In each role, their true identity remains obscured, lost amidst the demands of their environment.
The Shame-bound Adult
They grow up eventually, but not without a lot of struggle and confusion. Perhaps they're so lost in their feelings that they don't even realize that this inner struggle isn't normal. They may have felt it more than a few times but each time they'd quickly dismiss it as being ungrateful or demanding. They may think, "No, mom and dad did their best raising me. How dare I feel this way."
And here is where guilt develops, and here is where shame comes in.
These are the adults who try too hard to please or are so detached that they do not show a shred of emotion. Adults who get triggered at the drop of a hat or ones whose self-esteem is so low that they endure all sorts of humiliation. These are the adults that are susceptible to addictions and self-sabotage. Ones who assume too much responsibility or none at all. Some become attention seekers, others may want to simply disappear. Some are high-achievers, making sure to drown out that little voice within that whispers "You're worthless, a loser" with the highest-paying jobs, big houses, and trophy wives, while others are so defeated that they can't hold on to their seventh job this year.
These are the adults destined to grapple with an inner demon, where every moment is a struggle, reminding them that they are nothing but impostors. This demon is none other than a wounded inner child, lost in time.
Oftentimes, whether they are successful in life with all the material things and statuses to boot, an average Joe who is just getting by, or a bum who relies on the help of his parents to pay his rent, they are lost inside, not knowing who they are, unable to shake the feeling that something is wrong with them. They carry a profound sense of emptiness, haunted by the belief that they are fundamentally flawed. This deep-seated insecurity and unhealed trauma can permeate every aspect of their lives, influencing their relationships, careers, and self-worth, perpetuating a cycle of pain and confusion.
So I ask again, how many of us parents truly realize the extent to which we may have damaged our children?
Or should the better question be:
How many of us, once lost children ourselves, now unknowingly pass on the torch of pain, perpetuating a legacy of wounded souls?
Sir Thomas More once wrote in "Utopia," “For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”
This quote highlights a harsh truth: we often fail to recognize the deep impact our actions and inactions have on our children. We neglect their emotional needs, impose unrealistic expectations, and then, when they inevitably falter or rebel, we blame and punish them. We create the very conditions for their struggles and then hold them accountable for the outcomes we set in motion.
How many of us truly understand that the way we raise our children today will determine whether they grow up to be confident, compassionate individuals or wounded souls repeating the cycle of pain? The responsibility lies with us to break this cycle and nurture our children into healthy, whole adults.
Thank you for reading. <3
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